river
by Z. R. Coeur
Summary: liar, thief, lover, cheat. this time he steals more than he bargained for. no returns or exchanges allowed. StarX.
1. part i

hi

it's been a loooong time since I've published anything here (coughLIABILITYcough), but after diving back into fic writing this past summer, I felt it was only fair to bring my stories back to where they all began. As I began to map out and rewrite the last stages of Liability (which has yet to be abandoned fyi), I realized I wanted to explore other characters and pairings to better understand the way I had been writing certain things. So this happened. Also, I lowkey think StarX is cute as hell.

 _river_ IS complete. New chapters will be posted every couple of days, after I've combed through and edited any mistakes that may remain.

A few things to note before y'all dive in, uhhhh, inspired by the hook from a song by Eminem, and also by my ridiculous desire to start new stories instead of finishing my WIPs. Post-Tokyo, sans kiss. Ft. Robin-moments and allusions to robstar, but if you're here for wholesome robstar content, look elsewhere bbies. Or stick around for the epilogue. You might (?) like what you see...

As always, I invite critiques, requests, and reviews - gimme the good/bad/ugly.

enjoy the ride,

zrc

* * *

[part i]

 _i've been a liar, been a thief_

 _been a lover, been a cheat_

 _all my sins need holy water, feel it washing over me_

 _well, little one, i don't wanna admit to something_

 _if all it's gonna cause is pain_

 _truth and my lies, right now, are falling like the rain_

 _so let the river run_

 _| river, eminem ft. ed sheeran |_

I did it for the look on his face.

Man, you should've seen it. I think he might've stopped breathing. It only lasted for a moment, but damn, it was funny. Then he started throwing punches. She was pink and dazed, but she managed to wiggle out of the red bands that strapped her to the wall. Her fists were clenched, but she didn't look angry. Confused, stunned, maybe even a little curious.

The next bit is mostly a blur - I was distracted, preoccupied in dodging his fury, making little comments that only irked him more. I glanced over at her a few times. She was distracted, not really making a move to catch me. He was too busy dealing with me to notice that the only teammate at his disposal was a bystander.

Bird Boy knew my moves well. He landed a few nasty hooks, his steel shoes connecting with my chest once or twice. We were too evenly matched to make the fight come to a clean end. He anticipated the toys in my belt, from the x-shaped shurikens to the scarlet rubber bindings I enjoyed shooting so often.

I played the weakness. I glanced at her again, more noticeably, and raised my palms, prepared to strike.

It worked - he turned around and shouted her name, snapping her out of her thoughts. I shifted my aim and fired, wrapping him in thick red cords.

"Robin!" She shrieked, transferring something from her fist to her pocket.

"It's been fun playing, kids," I said calmly, "but I've gotta run."

She was by his side immediately, peeling away the tightly wound bands. He protested, jerking away from her touch and insisting she chase after me.

"Hey, cutie," I called, grinning at the sight of her crimson cheeks, "think about what I said."

I gave them a two-fingered salute and tapped my belt, teleporting to the rooftop of the warehouse we were in. Ordinarily, I'd try to get as far away from them as possible, but I was low on juice and until I replaced the Xenothium in the suit, I'd be stuck making short jumps - too short to quickly escape their field of view.

"What the hell just happened, Starfire?" Ouch, he sounded pissed. Pissed and loud.

I positioned myself flat against the roof, straining to hear more.

"He escaped," she said mournfully, "oh, Robin, I am truly sorry, I was…out of my skull?"

"Head," he corrected, softening slightly, "what did X say to you? Where's the paper he gave you?"

"He merely made another of the date comments," her voice was meek and apologetic. I could picture her twisting her fingers nervously or playing with her hair, "and I… the paper was burnt by my starbolts."

That made me do a double take. She was lying.

"He's an asshole."

"Indeed. But there is nothing we can do about him now, yes?"

He sighed tiredly, "yeah, whatever. He didn't make off with much. I'll deal with it tomorrow. We should head back, patrol wasn't supposed to run so late."

"Robin-"

"Don't worry, Star. I'm fine, just frustrated. You're right, there's nothing that can be done right now."

She seemed to accept this, not fighting back with any words as they exited the warehouse. I scooched closer to the edge of the roof, careful to keep out of view.

"Ride back with me?" He offered.

"Another time," she replied, sounding alarmingly close, "I believe I require a midnight flight."

I turned my head in what I assumed was her direction and - well, shit, there she was, floating with her back to me.

"Suit yourself. Don't be too long, I'll lock down the tower after you've come in."

"Thank you, Robin." She turned and looked straight at me, lips pressed in a thin line.

I made a move for my belt, stopping when she shook her head. It was such an imperceptible movement, I was certain I had imagined it. But I obeyed anyway, waiting for the sound of the bike revving and speeding off into the night, until we were enveloped in silence once more.

She landed beside me and hoisted me up by the front of my suit, pushing me onto my feet. I stumbled back and shot her a glare.

"Ease up, cutie."

"You do not get to speak to me in that manner," she seethed, reaching into her pocket to retrieve a crumpled up piece of paper, "I will give you ten seconds to explain what this is before I throw you into the harbor."

I shrugged, "it's exactly what it looks like."

"I do not understand. Even you are not stupid enough to give me-"

"My phone number? Stupid, no, interested, yes. Don't try tracing it, you won't get anywhere." This wasn't entirely true, but I was pretty confident she'd believe me.

"What did you hope to accomplish with this?"

"A date," I said cheekily, "or a chat. I'll be walking away from here with at least one, that's for sure."

She frowned, "I am still confused."

"Me too, actually, why'd you lie to your boyfriend?"

She blanched, turning away quickly.

"He is not my boyfriend." She muttered.

"Nuance," I said smoothly, moving to stand beside her, "you still lied."

"Would you have preferred I allow him to attack you?"

"Well, no, but I'm surprised you took my feelings into consideration."

She shook her head, "it is not that. I am trying to understand you, and I do not think involving Robin would be of any help."

"Oh? What do you wanna know?" I moved closer to her, praying that she wouldn't crush my bones if we touched.

"Why do you do this, X?" She asked quietly, turning to face me, her fingers still clutching the scrap of paper I'd shoved into her hand twenty minutes earlier.

"I can't help it if I like you, beautiful."

She blushed and stepped out of my reach, shaking her head, "I am not referring to the flirting. I am referring to…the facade. The persona. X, you are capable of so much."

Ohhhhhh, _fuck_. This was not where I wanted the conversation to go. Honesty was dangerous territory for me.

"You think too highly of me," I said quickly, crossing my arms.

"I do not think that is true," she replied, "you are strong and clever and you have aided us on several occasions. You could be a great asset to the Titans if you-"

"I'm not interested in being recruited, cutie," I shot back flatly, "I'm a thief. I do what I want, when I want. That's all there is to me."

"You are wrong. I know there is more."

"You don't know me."

That shut her up. I felt bad, but not enough to take back what I'd said. I wasn't wrong. She had no idea what she was talking about.

"Then let me."

What?

"Excuse me?"

"Let me know you," she said firmly, leaving no room for argument, "you have been persistent about taking me on an outing. I will go on a date with you, if you allow me the chance to truly know you."

I shook my head, thankful that the mask hid my eyes which were probably the size of dinner plates.

"No way, cutie, you're crazy."

She shrugged, "perhaps I am, but I will not leave you with much of a choice. You will take me out on a pleasant excursion and allow me the opportunity to get to know you better. In return, I will not inform Robin of our conversation tonight, or give him this-" she brandished the slip of paper triumphantly.

"It's a dead number anyways," I lied, "go ahead, he'll probably be more pissed at you anyways."

Her eyes narrowed, lips curving into a smirk.

"You underestimate Robin. And you underestimate me."

I had to smile at that, "Cutie, I would never underestimate you."

"Marvelous. Then I shall contact you via this number to arrange an evening for our date. I would appreciate it if you cooperated, but it is not necessary, because this will happen either way," she said briskly, rising into the air.

"One question," I said, definitely not getting caught up in the sight of her long red hair flowing in the cool night air, "why are you doing this?"

She smiled slightly, "I believe in chances and goodness. Consequently, I believe you deserve to have and be both."

"No, no," I shook my head, "I meant the date."

She blushed again, "conceivably…it could be fun."

With that, she was gone, her exit accented by a bright green streak in the sky.

* * *

X'hal, _I must be insane._

 _Raven certainly thinks so. I told her what I had done - used Red X's affections for me against him. She feels it is a terrible idea. I do not disagree._

 _I find him to be intriguing. He has proven himself to be worthy of the Titans time and time again, saving us, assisting us, often choosing to help rather than run. He claims his motives are his own, and perhaps they are, but I truly feel there is more to it._

 _To be clear, I am still very confused by many of his actions. I do not understand why he has chosen crime, nor do I understand why he flirts with me. I am not even sure the flirting is genuine._

 _Humans are such complex creatures. They err more often than not. Matters of honor hold great weight with some and no weight at all for others. Actions are coupled with_ intent _to determine consequence._

 _Humans also veil their emotions. They feign kindness to disguise mali_ ce. Conversely, they can act cold to hide affection. I have seen it often with Robin.

 _Tamaranians are the opposite. We are compelled by our soul and our strength. We pride ourselves on our ability to feel, and express our feelings through touch rather than verbally. I have become quite accustomed to the various displays of physical affection humans utilize. High-fives and the bumping of fists in congratulations. Hugs for comfort, friendly kisses on foreheads and cheeks, sometimes hands as a means of being silly or flirtatious. Mouths with romantic intent. This, I find rather foreign._

 _Raven suggested, rather hesitantly, that I might have agreed to Red X's request because I have been feeling lonely and I enjoy his attention. I know she did not mean to insult me, but I felt slightly affronted. Mostly because I could not disagree with this observation either._

 _I have long given up on Robin. Tokyo put a distance between us, an uncomfortable bubble that neither of us_ have _been able to break. He is still my friend. I still love him. But I am tired of waiting._

 _Red X has always been amusing to me, though I try to hide it for Robin's sake. I do not need his flirtations or compliments, but I certainly enjoy hearing them. It fills me with a strange sensation that twists in my stomachs and makes my heart work a little faster._

 _Thinking about it now, I realize accepting his offer may have been too bold of a move. I do not know where we will meet or what we will do or how we will dress. I have no alibi prepared, though I am sure Raven will allow me to use her as an excuse. I doubt Red X will tell me anything of true value. He may choose to use this date as an excuse to 'put the moves on' as Cyborg would say. It could very well be a wasted evening._

 _But, if anything, I do think it will be fun._

[end of part i]


	2. part ii

hi all!

I'm back with another chapter of _river_. A few edits were made, minor dialogue changes, but ultimately everything else is the same as it was before. The next few chapters are where some serious reconstruction + bonus content comes into play. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this next part.

As always, comments and critiques are greatly appreciated. If you like/love/hate what you're reading, leave a review. I always love hearing what you guys think.

onwards!

zrc

[part ii]

I made my way back to my place - the real one, not the one I use for business. Stripped out of the suit, tossed it on the bed. I fiddled with the belt for a few moments, exchanging power cores so I could pack it away. Not leaving that shit out while I showered.

Out of danger, suddenly, everything hurt more. My muscles felt sore, and there was an ugly purple bruise blooming below my ribs, right where the spiky-haired fucker kicked me.

Hot water helped. Soothed and stung, cleaned out the small cuts that littered my torso. A still-healing knife wound from a trade deal gone bad. The burned patch of skin on my upper back from a meta I made the mistake of picking a fight with.

I got out of the shower quickly, dried off, and redressed the worst injuries, trying not to think too hard about the fact that I had given a Titan my personal number and she agreed to go out with me.

I was more than a little unsettled by it - I'd have to be crazy to not be concerned, right? Especially because part of me was excited by the idea of it all. I was filled with nervous energy, a feeling I only experienced when I flirted with her.

I've always meant every word I've ever said to her. I doubt she knows this, and I'd prefer to keep it that way, but it's true. Every compliment and offer, though thinly veiled with a touch of snark, was absolutely real. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could say it was all part of a fucked-up mind game I wanted to play. But the scariest thing about talking with Starfire was the honesty she exuded. She wouldn't lie to you, and that made it really fucking hard to lie to her. This was my biggest concern regarding our "date". It wasn't the first time she'd invited me to join their network. She was persistent. She wanted to know _me._ And I wasn't about to tell her my sob story - a street kid, with a deadbeat dad and a wonderful mom who worked three jobs at a time to barely make ends meet, who turned to thieving to support her medicals bills, whatever. I didn't know how I'd make her realize I couldn't be a Titan. I had a job to do. I wasn't Red X for some sick play at infamy, I didn't steal for the thrill or because I liked playing with radioactive toys.

There was no choice involved. And that wasn't something Starfire would understand

I stayed awake for an hour. Reheated some leftover Chinese from a couple nights ago, put on a rerun of some reality show playing on the lifestyle network, still trying not to think about the girl I'd given my number to, who was so insistent on my potential that she agreed to go on a date with me because she thought it could be fun and she believed she could make things change.

Clearly, I wasn't succeeding.

Around one, my eyes started to get heavy.

I was still passed out on the couch when her first message came through.

 _3:34 am - unknown:_ greetings x

 _3:34 am - unknown:_ it is starfire

 _3:35 am - me:_ prove it

 _3:36 am - unknown:_ how am i to do so

 _3:37 am - me:_ tell me what ur wearing ;)

 _3:38 am - unknown:_ i do not see how that will suffice as proof of my identity

 _3:39 am - me:_ or u can call me and let me hear ur voice

I secretly hoped she'd take me up on it. Talk to me for a bit.

 _3:42 am - unknown:_ i am currently dressed in purple shorts with the smiling faces on them and a matching shirt

Damn it.

 _3:43 am - me:_ oooooh cute

 _3:44 am - unknown:_ i did not contact you to flirt x

 _3:45 am - me:_ well if u contacted me to set up our date, u better be ready for a whole lot of flirting

 _3:46 am - unknown:_ this saturday in the afternoon.

 _3:46 am - unknown:_ you may choose the location

 _3:47 am - unknown:_ i have secured an alibi to ensure my absence is explained

I wrinkled my nose at that. Sheesh, it all sounded so...professional.

 _3:48 am - me:_ do u plan on actually having fun on this date or is it all business to u

 _3:50 am - unknown:_ i plan on getting to know you and proving that you are capable of accomplishing more than you believe

 _3:51 am - me:_ your expectations are higher than mine.

 _3:51 am - me:_ i just want a starfire kiss

I wasn't surprised when she fell silent after that. She had gotten pretty good at evading my remarks, but when it was too intimate, she'd shut down completely. Probably for the best, anyways.

I stood up and stretched, cursing at the blue pillow I'd placed beneath my neck. It was probably time to throw it out. The stuffing had clumped up in various places and it's patchy appearance didn't do much to complement the expensive white sofa it was paired with.

I wouldn't though. It was still a memory.

I turned off the tv and put the dishes in the sink, taking my phone with me to my room. I glanced at the lock screen and sighed. It was four, I had work in a few hours.

I curled up in my bed and shut my eyes.

That night, I dreamed of green.

* * *

 _Robin was quiet when I came home. He smiled when he locked the tower down and walked me to my room, resting his hand on the small of my back. This was not unusual behavior, but as of late, I have become wary of such actions. Raven has warned me to establish a space between us. After Tokyo, she feels he has a tendency to use me for affection and comfort, at times and in ways that are not always appropriate for friends._

 _My door slid open and I stepped out of his touch quickly, wishing him goodnight with a small smile. He placed his hand on the door to prevent it from shutting and rubbed the back of his neck, a gesture which seems to precede an apology of sorts._

 _"I'm not mad, y'know," he said awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot, "I'm sorry if I came across that way earlier tonight."_

 _"I understand. Do not worry, Robin, I did not take it to heart," I assured him._

 _He seemed relieved at that, "Good. Um, I noticed you've been a little skittish since you got back and I wanted to make sure we were fine."_

 _"Things are as they should be," I replied, not wanting to prolong our conversation, "I am feeling rather tired. If you will excuse me, I shall go to bed. Pleasant Schlorvaks."_

 _"Oh, but -" he removed his hand and the door slid shut, his confused expression seared in my brain._

 _I sighed._ X'hal, _it is difficult to continue with this. Keeping him at a distance pains me still, and while it has become easier to bear over time, I still long for our conversations._

 _I brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas, crawling into bed with the sinking feeling of restlessness._

 _I wished to speak with Raven, in hopes that she would clear my mind. It was not unusual for her to be awake at this time of night, so I peered into the hall and stealthily made my way to her room._

 _She allowed me to enter, claiming that my emotions were too jumbled and would keep her awake, but truly, I wonder if perhaps she enjoys listening to me as much as I love speaking with her. I have found, above all, Raven loves to help however she can, though she hides it well._

 _She was appalled by my invitation to Red X and made me promise to be careful. I heeded her advice and thanked her for clearing my mind._

 _"Use your cell phone, Robin likes to check the message logs on the communicator every now and then."_

 _This was her way of giving me approval, though I do not think she cared much for my decision._

 _"Starfire," she said quietly._

 _I hovered before the door and turned around, "yes, Raven?"_

 _She bit her lip, "Be careful. Stay guarded. Don't...don't forget who he is."_

 _I crossed my arms, "Raven, it is not a real date. I mean to persuade him to use his abilities for good."_

 _"I know, I know, but…I can't help but think part of you wants this."_

 _"I am well aware of your theory," I reply evenly._

 _Raven sighed, "just be careful, that's all I ask."_

 _I softened at that and floated over to where she sat, crouching beside her._

 _"I am very grateful for your support, Raven. I love you."_

 _She grumbled something under her breath but allowed me to wind my arms around her gently, accepting a kiss on the cheek before shooing me away._

 _"Go on, text your boyfriend, tell him what's up."_

 _"Goodnight."_

 _"Night, Starfire."_

 _I was snuggled in my bed soon after, the dim glow of my phone lighting my face. I typed several messages and erased them all, unsure of where to begin._

 _Eventually, I settled with a simple, "greetings x"._

 _He responded almost immediately, flirtiness oozing with every word. I did my best to control the direction of the conversation, but it was difficult at times. Especially because I found myself smiling throughout the exchange._

3:46 am - me: _this_ saturday _in the afternoon._

3:46 am - me: _you may choose the location_

 _Though this was not a true 'date', I could not help but hope that X would plan something pleasant. In my early years as a Titan, I spent much of my leisure fantasizing about Earthen relationships. I was fascinated by human courtship. There was a time when Cyborg and Beast Boy would tease me for reading so many romance novels and watching the 'rom-coms' and 'chick flicks' that so often graced the television. They have grown better at reading tension and no longer do so, much to my relief, and undoubtedly, Robin's. I suspect Raven has lectured them about it as well._

3:48 am - unknown: _do u plan on actually having fun on this date or is it all business to u_

3:50 am - me: _i plan on getting to know you and proving that you are capable of accomplishing more than you believe_

3:51 am - unknown: _your expectations are higher than mine._

3:51 am - unknown: _i just want a starfire kiss_

 _I dropped my phone, blushing at X's bluntness. His bold words never failed to surprise me, though I was hardly a stranger to them. They gave me an odd feeling, akin to the sensation of butterflies I so often felt with Robin, but not quite the same. It may have been his forwardness that startled me, or the honesty I had always longed for - regardless, I felt fluttery._

 _I did not know how to respond, and I did not think he would care much if I chose to put aside the conversation._

 _I set my phone on the table beside my bed and closed my eyes, forcing myself to fall asleep._

 _Against my will, my hips lifted into the air, my blanket-cocooned body rising in flight. I blinked before bursting into giggles at my predicament. A pang of fear shot through me as I realized my heart was already farther than my head._

 _Raven's words of warning echoed in my mind as I sank back into my bed, drifting off to sleep._

 _I dreamed of warm, wandering hands, and a gentle mouth against my own._

[end of part ii]


	3. part iii

hello all!

Sorry for the delay, I was meaning to upload this yesterday but life and all her delays got in the way. I expect to update _river_ again by Thursday this week if not sooner. This chapter features minor grammatical edits, a loooot of additional dialogue, and some new scene stuff in both halves of the chapter.

As always, comments and critiques are greatly appreciated and treasured and LOVED. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far :)

Enjoy!

zrc

[part iii]

The days after that night passed too quickly and yet not fast enough. My nerves were completely shot by Thursday.

I had a _date_.

I was out of practice as it was - it had been a while since I'd had to put in the effort to impress a girl. And I don't mean that like, "I'm a fucking champ at getting laid without even trying". I honestly have no idea where to begin. Dating is hardly easy when you're running around in an illegal bodysuit half the time.

It couldn't be outside or in public; we would need to meet early in the day and I couldn't greet her maskless. That ruled out a picnic or a restaurant or the movies. I couldn't take her to the botanical gardens or go swimming at the beach.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to bring her back to my place. She'd probably kill me anyway, thinking that I was presuming.

Eventually, I settled on an old planetarium that was partially in the process of being remodeled. Construction had been halted for about a month already, due to some issues between the co-owners. So there it was - I had a spot and an idea.

Starfire and I hadn't talked much since our conversation a few nights ago. She wanted to keep our communications lowkey and preferred that we text at night when the other Titans weren't around to peek over her shoulder or express interest in who she was speaking with. It made things easier for us both, especially because I worked long hours during the day. Not that she knew that piece of information. If she did, she'd never quit on the little redemption story she's trying to write me into.

"Oh, Red X, if you operate as a civilian during the day with an occupation and a considerably comfortable lifestyle, why do you turn to thievery?"

I could picture her, gorgeous eyes wide, our hands clasped together, asking me the impossible questions. If I ever let it get there, I wouldn't be able to resist telling her. And that was something I couldn't risk.

I thought about not going. Never giving her a time or place, or worse, blowing her off completely. Prove to her I'm as terrible as I want to be. Kill the hope she has for me.

But it's Starfire. I could never do that to her. And when you think about that, I guess it's fair to say I'm not quite the bad guy I make myself out to be.

Good thing we aren't thinking about that.

I spent a lot of time reminiscing about all of our interactions over the years, brief and non. The first time I had her pinned to the wall, her expression shifting from confused to furious before I could finish my suggestion. The night we found ourselves trapped in a LexCorp vault, her fingers gripping my arms as we were squished into a corner, surrounded by various menacing devices. Her look of wonder when I caught her from a nasty fall a few months back, the surprise in her eyes when she realized I wasn't Boy Blunder. The countless times where she asked after me, just to make sure I was okay. The night she lied to protect me and agreed to go on a date.

Jesus Christ, I was totally gone, wasn't I?

 _Fuck._ _Shit._

 _Compromised by a goddamn Teen Titan. Weak-hearted as ever, X. You really love to play the role you could never keep._

When it dawned on me that I had fallen deeper into my emotions than I intended, I developed my contingency plan. Escape route A. The only thing I knew for certain could save me from ruining things any more than I already had.

I had a job I needed to do that night. I'd trip an alarm and get the Titans to show up, pull her aside and tell her the whole thing was off. It was stupid of me to suggest in the first place. And it was stupider of her to accept.

I preferred to not jeopardize the assignment, but she'd already made it clear that it was difficult to sneak out at night. Once the Titans finished patrol, they returned to the Tower and went into total lockdown. Apparently, if a window or door was opened or broken, Cyborg would get an alert. That had been news to me, and I realized that their security had probably been heightened since the theft of the suit and everything else that followed.

That evening, I broke into a private laboratory. Wasn't too heavily guarded, I counted five, maybe six security officers stationed around the perimeter of the building, and three patrolling the halls inside. Lots of cameras, but I could mess with the feed by transmitting an older tape on a loop to the surveillance room. I was careful not to use my belt while I made my way to the main lab. There were energy sensors set up all over, designed to bring attention to any odd bursts of power that might be expelled across the premises. I fucking hate scientists sometimes.

No confrontations occurred. A+ for me. I made it into the central lab with ease, keying in the numbers my client had instructed me to use. It was a circular room with several stations, each one cluttered with tools and paperwork. Red lasers crisscrossed the area, but there were little pockets of space around the tables. Towards the back of the lab, there were wide glass windows mounted on the paneled wall, but it was too dark to see what was behind them.

"Here we go," I muttered, cracking my knuckles and shaking out my hands. One run, not too challenging.

I leaped forward, careful to avoid the scarlet lines that cut through the air. Every action was precise, my hands and feet never lingering on the ground for more than a few seconds. I used the momentum of each handspring to push myself forward, each jump allowing me to twist through the air, clear of any obstacles.

I stumbled a little when I landed, bracing myself against the wall, relief washing over me when I realized I hadn't tripped any alarms.

I ran my fingers along the grooves in the wall, pulling gently to see if any would budge. There was supposed to be a door to the main office somewhere…

I heard a faint click, and the panel I was gripping hissed open. Sweet.

I was in and out pretty quickly. My day job taught me some pretty cool tricks, including how to hack an "impenetrable" firewall. I accessed the desktop and downloaded several encrypted files onto a pair of flash-drives I'd brought with me. One for the client, and one for me, so I could see what I'd gotten myself into. Shut down the computer, slipped out of the office, closed the door - easy. Getting the Titans here, isolating Starfire, and keeping what I came for - that would be hard.

I darted through the lasers, flinching when the klaxon alarm screeched. I shoved the door open and hit the center of my belt quickly, teleporting to the roof. And then, I waited.

* * *

 _I had been lying on the sofa with my legs hooked over the side, deeply engrossed in a romance novel when the Titan alert rang. I glanced up, unsurprised to find Robin glaring at the console._

 _"Red X," he said scathingly, turning to address the rest of us. I did not listen to what he said, my eyes immediately finding Raven's._

 _What had he done this time?_

 _I did not wish for X to come to any harm. Perhaps I was being foolish, but I would feel I had failed him if I did not follow through with our arrangement._

 _My anger flared for a moment - it was unfair that he had not even considered my offer, or at least avoided thievery for the time being. Did my words truly mean nothing to him?_

 _"Clorbag," I grumbled, crossing my arms._

 _" - all of us, so Starfire and I can go instead."_

 _I snapped to attention, "What?"_

 _Robin shrugged, "Nothing was reported stolen, so I don't think all of are required for this one. You and I can bring him in. It'll make up for Monday night." He gave me a half-smile when he said that, quiet butterflies awakening in my stomach. I rarely felt that way around him anymore._

 _"I do not think-"_

 _"Awwww, ain't that cute," Cyborg grinned, nudging Beast Boy, "takin' down criminals together."_

 _"I would like to go alone if that is okay," I said meekly._

 _Robin tilted his head, confusion evident on his face, "What? Why? Starfire, you can't go without backup."_

 _"I will be brief, I promise, I would simply like to have the 'words' with him." It was not a lie, I planned on speaking with him, although it may not have been what Robin thought._

 _"Red X does go pretty easy on her," Raven added helpfully, "if you want, I can go with. Keep an eye on her."_

 _I disliked that phrasing, but I was grateful for her assistance_.

 _Robin pursed his lips, "I don't want-"_

 _"We do not have the luxury of time," I interjected._

 _He sighed and hung his head, "just go."_

 _I nodded and flew to Raven's side. Moments later, her powers engulfed us, carrying us to the location Robin had instructed us to investigate._

 _"Alright," she said upon arrival, placing her hands on her hips, "what do you want me to do here?"_

" _Accept my humble gratitude with a hug and keep the security officers busy while I find X."_

 _She rolled her eyes, "The second one I can do. Save your hugs for later. Keep him out of trouble."_

 _I did not smile - it seemed that he could not help but get himself into trouble time and time again._

 _Raven spoke with the guards, which allowed me the opportunity to fly around the building. I could not find any broken windows or weaknesses in structure, which made me wonder if he had left the building at all._

 _As I floated higher, I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eye._

 _Of course he was waiting on the roof._

 _I landed softly, allowing energy to flood my eyes with fury. This was truly disappointing to find._

 _He had been peering over the edge cautiously, but once he was aware of my presence, he shot up and faced me, a hand hovering in front of his belt. He relaxed when he realized it was only me._

 _"Starfire."_

 _X'hal, I cannot explain how much I enjoyed hearing him say my name. It was strange - there was a gentle lilt to his tone, a soothing quality that calmed me. I could hear something else too. A sadness. It was not unlike my own feelings still buried deep in my chest. My eyes dimmed slightly, but I did not relinquish the blaze completely._

 _"Red X."_

 _"You sound unhappy, beautiful. Am I not what you wanted?"_

 _I was taken aback by the sharp bitterness in his voice. I had only heard it once before, on an occasion I doubt he even remembers._

We were battling the Hive Five. I had been knocked out of the air, and in my panic, forgot to fly. I still relied on Robin, back then, and often put myself in his way in hopes that he might catch me.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I neared the ground, bracing for the impact that never came.

Arms had caught me. I had touched his chest and quietly murmured, "Robin". I felt him chuckle, and in a low voice, whisper, "not quite, Cutie."

My eyes opened to find my savior was someone else entirely.

"Red X!" I squeaked.

He set me down gently, and in the same tired, bitter inflection, replied, "Sorry to disappoint," before shimmering into the midst of the fight.

It hurt to hear him speak that way.

 _"I am disappointed that you thought you could continue to commit crimes, despite our - ah," I paused, struggling to find the appropriate phrase._

 _"Agreement? Starfire, you made this happen. You pushed me into it. I didn't...I wasn't serious about any of this," he said sourly._

 _He...what?_

 _I raised an eyebrow, "this was not your goal? Then please, X, explain the flirting. Explain the constant requests. Explain the kindness you show me, the compassion you show only me."_

 _"I'm teasing, cutie. It's what I do. I mess around. I steal, I cheat, I lie. Get over it."_

 _His words sounded rehearsed and detached. I had been on the receiving end of such words before._

 _"I do not accept that."_

 _He shrugged, "your problem, not mine. See you around, cutie."_

 _I growled and launched myself at him, throwing my arms around him as his fist hit the center of his belt._

 _He yelped in protest, but it was too late._

 _We landed in a tangled mess on soft carpet, my hands still gripping him tightly as he fumbled around in the dark._

 _I loosened my hold and rolled away from him, feeling my surroundings until I found a wall. I leaned against it and rose._

 _"Where are we?"_

 _He cursed, but did not move to turn on the lights, "my apartment."_

 _That interested me._

 _"Oh, wonderful. Perhaps now you will be willing to sit and talk."_

 _"Nothing to discuss. You're leaving."_

 _"You think so?" I asked, stretching my hand out hesitantly. I found his arm and slid my wrist down the length of it, curling my fingers around his hand._

 _"I'll make you leave," he said tonelessly, removing his hand from mine. He stepped closer and settled his palms on my biceps, wary of holding me too tight._

 _"I would like to see you try," I retorted._

 _He made a little noise of frustration and dropped his hands, "Jesus, Starfire, why are you being so difficult? It was stupid of you to ask, it was stupid of me to accept. Let it go. I can't be what you want."_

 _"Cannot or will not?"_

 _"Does it matter?" He asked incredulously, "Bottom line, nothing's different. This…whatever, never happened."_

 _"But you wanted it to."_

 _"Of course I did," he exploded, backing away from me, "how could I not? But I'm not an idiot. You can't be around someone like me. You can't make me change, you can't 'fix' me or make me think you're interested in me so that you get what you want. Heroes and thieves don't play nice."_

 _"You have," I pointed out, trying to ignore the pain his familiar words brought me._

 _He let out a bark of laughter, though it was clear he found no humor in this, "you got me there, cutie, that changes everything."_

 _My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, the faint shapes of the furniture surrounding us becoming more evident to me._

 _X was leaning against a…couch? An armchair, it seemed, once I squinted. I kept my distance, drawing shapes on the wall behind me absentmindedly._

 _"I am more than just a hero," I said finally, "I have heard your words before. All this talk of being one thing…humans are so much more complex than that."_

 _"You're more than just a hero," he agreed, "but beautiful, I am what I am."_

 _"Not without purpose."_

 _"What is it with you? Give it up already," he snarled, "why do you trust me so much?"_

 _"You have had too many opportunities to hurt me and my friends. Instead, you have protected us. Protected me," I paused, "I will not push you to be 'fixed'. Trust means I must have faith that you are doing what you must."_

 _"Thanks," he muttered._

 _"Do you fear your feelings, X?"_

 _He made a choking noise, and I could not help but smile a bit when he seemed visibly shaken by my query._

 _"That's none of your business."_

 _I raised my palm and lit a starbolt, bathing his apartment in pale green light. But for his sake, I only looked at him._

 _"Did you know," I said softly, "Tamaraneans, my people, are more connected to their feelings than any other race in the Vega system? We are obligated to be, for without our emotions, our strengths and weaknesses bear no difference. And yet," I sighed, "I am still terrified of my feelings. I do not understand them. I do not understand this. But I would like to."_

 _X was silent while I spoke, the slits of his mask focused on my eyes. I let the flame in my hand die out and crossed my arms._

 _"I still want the date."_

 _He tilted his head, "what?"_

 _I gave him a tiny smile, "I have often heard the phrase 'do not mix business with pleasure'. I should not have coupled my heroic agenda with my personal agenda. Our date shall commence as planned, with no talk of you joining the Titans."_

 _He shifted uncomfortably, tugging at the collar of his suit, "Ah, cutie -"_

 _"You have already admitted you would like to date me. Is it so farfetched to think I could feel the same?" The words spilled from my mouth before I could stop myself. I flushed, thankful for the darkness._

 _He stiffened and fell silent. I could almost see him working through my words, deciding if he should believe me or not._

 _"No," he said finally. I was relieved to hear amusement trickling into his tone, "I guess not."_

 _"Then it is settled and we shall enjoy our outing as you have planned."_

 _If Raven was not already on the verge of causing me injury, she certainly would after hearing what I had just decided._

 _"You really won't take no for an answer, will you?"_

 _"I have been informed I am extremely persistent. Now, please take me back to the laboratory. I imagine my absence will raise some questions if we do not return soon," I stretched out my hand expectantly._

 _He took it and tugged me into him, settling his arm around my waist._

 _"You sure you don't want to stick around for a bit? Tell me more about the feelings we can't seem to understand?" he asked teasingly._

 _I blushed and shook my head._

 _"I...it would not be wise. We should leave."_

 _"Anything for you, beautiful," he replied flirtatiously as his fingers found the button between our waists._

 _We landed on the roof of the building far more gracefully than we had at his apartment. He released me from his grasp quickly, laughing quietly when I stumbled into his chest._

 _"I am not used to chemical transportation," I said apologetically, my face warm from embarrassment._

 _"You should get going," he said, jerking his head in the direction Raven and I had come from, "your teammates are probably wondering where you are."_

 _"That is likely. I thank you for your honesty tonight. And I apologize for mine. I shall see you on Saturday," I lifted into the air and glanced around for Raven. I was certain she had sensed my disappearance and return, and would no doubt be very cranky and concerned._

 _"Starfire," he said quietly, pulling on my ankle gently._

 _I frowned and dropped beside him, "yes?"_

 _"Don't kill me for this," he breathed. He flipped up the bottom of his mask quickly, revealing a smooth, square jaw and a mouth that was quickly pressed to mine._

[part iii]


	4. part iv

hi guys!

I'm currently traveling, hence the slightly late update, but as promised - I'm back with an updated chapter of _river_ ft. additional dialogue, monologue, and scene changes. Thank you so much to those who continue to review and follow this story. I am deeply appreciative of your words, and I am working on reaching out to all of you individually. Next update will be published **January 21st** / **January 22nd**.

As always, comments and critiques are cherished!

enjoy -

zrc

[part iv]

Friday didn't go by fast enough. I woke up and called in sick to work, first thing, intent on decrypting the files I'd stolen the night before. Made myself some eggs and toast, turned on the TV for morning news, set up my laptop, and plugged in the flash drive.

Well, no, not true - I burned the toast, forgot to replace the batteries in the remote, and tried to set up the drive incorrectly. Twice. I was distracted. I had a date in twenty-six hours and nothing was ready.

I wasn't sure why I was so nervous, or why I was so invested in making my time with her perfect.

It didn't help that I hadn't stopped thinking about the kiss since it happened.

Starfire...felt _right_. Familiar. Her arms twisted around my neck, fingers sliding beneath the back of my mask to touch my hair. There was this feeling of comfort that gripped me. She was warm and lovely and perfect. Her mouth moved agonizingly slowly against mine. It was torture and bliss and everything I imagined it would be.

And then it was over. She ended it, blushing as she unwound her arms from around my neck. Starfire stammered something about seeing me later and backed away, before shooting into the air.

I waited to hear the tell-tale raven's call that so often signaled their departure, before teleporting back to my room and flopping onto my bed.

Needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep. I drafted the same text about fifty times, hoping to engage her in conversation.

 _hey babe_. Gross, delete.

 _that was some kiss_. Too forward, she'll get skittish, delete.

 _i had a really nice time tonight_. Where's the charm? Delete.

 _i can't stop thinking about you_. It's not a lie, but it might freak her out. Delete.

 _saturday, 11 am, key cove. see you there._ A little dull, but it's effective. Sent.

So yeah, stressful evening. Nervous morning. Once the files were finished loading I focused on combing through them. I didn't like what I saw.

There were blueprints and notes, pdf versions of hastily scribbled equations and messy theories. Plans for some kind of incubation chamber. A complex formula for what appeared to be a chemical virus that could eradicate mutations in DNA. Footnotes that listed the unpredictable factors that could occur, and the ones that had occurred in test subjects.

Where they saw the likelihood of medical innovation, my clients would see the potential for biological warfare.

 _Shit._

I disconnected the flash-drive and wiped the files from my laptop, initiating a self-diagnostic run to sweep for any bugs that may have come with the folder. Not good, not good at all. The trade was supposed to go down later tonight. There wasn't enough time for me to come up with an alibi or skip town.

I grimaced, already imagining the beating I would take if I backed out of the exchange.

 _Fuuuuuuuck._

Laptop was clean, so there was a silver lining. I still had to destroy both drives and set some sort of trap for the meetup. I needed that money. I wasn't going away from this without it.

There was a beep coming from my bedroom, which meant my burner phone had received a message. I put my laptop away and shoved the flash-drives into my pocket, curious as to who had contacted me.

 _12:34 pm - unknown_ : bring the drives tonight 2 am, 811 lilac rd, construction zone. we have the money.

I knew better than to respond.

My cell rang not long after, and for a moment, I was struck with the fear that they'd somehow gotten my private number and figured out who I was and where I was staying.

But the ID was different. I couldn't help but grin as I lifted the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Oh…Red X?" Starfire confirmed, sounding a bit taken aback.

"The one and only, cutie."

"Your voice is different."

"I don't live in the suit," I replied, amused by her curiosity, "why are you calling?"

"I would like to see you tonight."

Ahhhhh, no, beautiful, you're killing me. We can't. We shouldn't.

"I thought you couldn't sneak out at night."

"It will be difficult, but I believe I can make it work. If it is convenient for you," she added hastily.

It really wasn't, but how could I tell her that?

"Not a problem," I said smoothly, "the same place tonight then, whenever your patrol gets done. Wear something comfortable."

"Very well. I shall see you then."

"Sounds good."

"X? Thank you," she said softly.

I hung up without another word.

It was not turning out to be my day.

I took a couple of deep breaths and set my phone down, thinking hard about what I was going to do. As far as the date went, I had most things prepared. There was an Italian restaurant down the road, a little bistro called _tocco dolce_. It was locally owned by an elderly couple, who were more than happy to offer me a free meal on account of the fact that it was for a date and I apparently needed all the help I could get.

Patrols usually ended between nine and eleven, depending on the route taken and the amount of crime occurring. Jump had a fairly quiet night-life. Starfire would probably show up to meet me around ten. I'd take her to the planetarium, we'd have a nice dinner, watch the movie I'd selected, hopefully kiss again, and wrap up just in time for me to connect with my clients. I would have enough time to try and edit the files so that they were missing the doomsday parts. It would be shitty, and probably a bit obvious that I'd tampered with the drives, but it was significantly better than handing over Jump City's death certificate.

Plans set, I put it all in motion.

I called Rosalie and Pietro Alexander right away, requesting a bottle of cider and two meals for pick-up in the evening. They made me swear to bring her by the restaurant the next time I had the chance. I laughed, trying not to entertain the idea because if I did, it would be stuck in my head forever.

I retrieved various things from around my apartment - a couple of blankets and pillows, plates, cups, utensils, the DVD I was planning on playing, popcorn, candy, and a pack of battery-operated candles. Shoved most of it into a bag and set aside the rest to load onto my motorcycle when it came time to leave.

I worked on the files for a couple of hours. Chopped up the uglier parts, patching it up with glitching copies that (hopefully) looked like a virus had eaten away at the documents. I redacted portions of the formula, fiddled with the numbers. Deleted a couple of footnotes, added a few that emphasized the unpredictability of the science and made the data look less reliable. I kept enough information to satisfy them but removed enough to keep people safe. That was all I could really do.

I showered at eight and got a little dressed up. Black fitted jeans and shoes, a maroon button-down, an old woven bracelet that belonged to my mother around my wrist. Packed the Red X suit into the bag I had already filled, keeping the mask and belt ready for use.

All that was left was for me to wait, and I did.

An hour later, I got her message.

 _10:12 pm - unknown:_ i will see you shortly

Okay, fuck.

It was now or never.

* * *

 _Raven was quick to notice the scarlet blush I was undoubtedly wearing but knew better than to comment until we were safely in the confines of her room._

 _We teleported to the common room, where Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy were still waiting._

 _"All good?" Robin asked, rising from the couch._

 _Raven shrugged, sparing me the trouble of responding._

 _"Didn't catch him, he was long gone by the time we arrived. Nothing was stolen, but the security officers received an alert that the main lab was breached so there's a chance some research may have been copied."_

 _Robin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "okay, we'll have to deal with that later. Thanks, guys."_

 _He was rarely so collected when an instance like this occurred. I couldn't help the warmth that filled me when he turned my way._

 _"You okay, Star?"_

 _"Hmm?" my blush deepened as I realized what he was asking, "oh, yes, I am the o and the k."_

 _"Lookin' a little flushed, princess." Cyborg teased, nudging Beast Boy with a grin._

 _"I am simply tired. I would like to turn in for the evening," I replied in my most dignified tone._

 _"Good idea, I vote we all do it," Raven said._

 _Beast Boy raised an eyebrow, "it's not even midnight."_

 _"You could use the beauty sleep," she shot back._

 _I giggled behind my hand, grateful for her ability to distract while I composed myself. Cyborg laughed loudly while they bickered, which had become rather frequent as of late. I believe all of us were waiting for them to 'kiss and make up', as Cyborg so often told them._

 _"Guys," Robin interrupted, shaking his head, "it's late. If you're tired, go to bed, if not, make sure you lock the tower down before you leave the common room."_

 _"Sure thing, Dad." Beast Boy replied, flopping back onto the couch._

 _Robin grumbled under his breath and cast me one more glance, before turning and exiting the room._

 _Raven curled her fingers around my wrist and tugged gently, "we should talk."_

 _"I believe that would be prudent," I said, following her into the hallway._

 _She pulled me into her bedroom and onto the floor, crossing her legs and looking at me expectantly._

 _"Well?"_

 _I touched my fingers to my lips and smiled faintly, "he kissed me."_

 _The lights flickered and Raven's eyes flared for a moment._

 _"What?" She asked in a dangerously quiet voice._

 _I explained that I had caught him mid-transport and wound up at his apartment, much to his frustration. I told her about the conversation we had, and how strangely vulnerable he had seemed when we spoke. I described the way his fingers had closed around my ankle and the warmth of his palms as they settled at my waist._

 _She waited until I was finished speaking, her mouth pressed in a thin line by the end of my narrative._

 _"So you and X are...together?"_

 _"We are going on a date," I corrected, "it may not lead anywhere."_

 _"But you kissed."_

 _"Yes."_

 _"And you enjoyed it," she confirmed._

 _I blushed, "surprisingly, very much."_

 _She leaned back on her hands and sighed, "wow, okay, that's a lot."_

 _"I do not mean to burden you-"_

 _"It's not that," Raven reassured me, "it's just…what about Robin?"_

 _My heart fluttered, my stomach churned, my head ached at the sound of his name._

 _Raven's eyes widened as I let my emotions flow through me, "I see."_

 _"Indeed," I murmured, "my feelings for Robin are complicated. They are still there. I do not think I will ever be rid of them. But Red X makes me feel…desired. Powerful, even. He sees me differently."_

 _"I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how terrible of an idea this is?"_

 _I smile, "I am well aware of the repercussions at hand, Raven. I will be discreet."_

 _"Azar, I hope so," she muttered, allowing a half-smile to quirk upon her lips, "If this is what you want, I have your back."_

 _I squeezed her hand gratefully and stayed with her for a little while after, eager to chat about her developing relationship with Beast Boy. She eventually removed me out of her room, advising that I go to sleep, warning me that it would not come to me easily._

 _She was correct. I tossed and turned, contemplating various messages I could send him. Nothing came out of it, except for a single, full thought - I wanted to see him soon._

 _Just as my eyes gave way to heaviness, the sound of a message pinged from my phone, jolting me awake._

3:26 am - unknown: _saturday, 11 am, key cove. see you there._

 _I bit my lip, thumbs hovering over the digital keyboard. X'hal, how could I possibly wait another day and a half? I could barely make it through this night, let alone another._

 _If I could establish a means of escape, I could attempt to see him tomorrow._

 _I opted to set my phone aside and try to sleep. I hoped the next morning would bring some clarity._

 _I continued to fret quietly for an hour, recalling the kiss over and over in my mind until it was seared in place._

 _I had never been kissed properly. The others might tell you they witnessed it in Tokyo with the boy on the street, or when I assimilated Atlantean from Aqualad, or when I first met Robin, but that is not true. Language transference, while not unpleasant, does not evoke any enjoyment from me. It is a skill I have used many times with many beings, regardless of how I might feel about them._

 _But kissing was different. It was not the hard connection between unmoving mouths, guided by a tight grip on the person's shoulder or neck. There was no rush of thought, no compounded headache as a side-effect._

 _It was much softer and gentler, like the first kisses I saw so often in films and on television._

 _One of Red X's hands had found my waist while the other held my wrist, rubbing circles on my skin with his thumb. His mouth moved sweetly against mine, coaxing movement from my frozen state._

 _I tugged my hand from his grip and wound my arms around his neck, sliding my fingers along the bottom of his mask to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He squeezed my hips and pulled me closer, drawing a squeal of surprise from my lips. He deepened the kiss, shaking with silent laughter at my enthusiasm._

 _Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was not the time, nor the place. Reluctantly, I drew back, stumbling through a goodbye before darting into the air, fighting the urge to look back at him._

 _I felt angry with myself afterward, for too many reasons. Angry because in a way, I had betrayed Robin. Angry because I had let it go farther than I intended. Angry because somewhere, I knew with full certainty, Raven was correct. Somewhere, something in me had attached itself to Red X. And I was happy because of it._

 _I slept fitfully through the night, coming in and out of lustful dreams that left me flushed and nervous and exhausted. I was no stranger to these feelings, but with Robin I felt in control, certain of the boundaries and lines we had drawn, comfortable in our established relationship. Now, every rule I had given myself had vanished. I did not know where X's feelings stretched or where his walls were built; I did not know where he felt comfortable being touched or what he saw in me. It was unexplored territory, and it ignited a delicious fear in me that I could not help but enjoy._

 _Now, I suppose this was a side-effect of the many romance books I indulged in, where heroines had their hearts stolen by handsome thieves as they were rushed into a whirlwind love story. It was an idea that I found both charming and delightful on so many levels._

 _I woke when the first rays of sunlight peeked through my curtains. I opted to stay in my room and observe the sunrise on my own. Robin usually liked to join me on the roof most mornings, but I could not bear to be around him while I was feeling so guilty and confused and struck with the love._

 _Not that I was in love. But I have learned, despite what the phrase implies, that you do not have to mean you love something just because you say you do._

 _Once dawn had fully broken through the clouds, I considered going back to sleep, but I was too restless to crawl into bed. So I began the day._

 _I selected some casual garments from my closet - a pair of cropped running pants, a bright purple sports bra with black straps, and a soft blue zippered sweatshirt - and changed out of my sleepwear. It seemed like a pleasant day for a run around the island. Perhaps I could practice training in the simulation hall. I felt charged by the sun, my fingertips tingling with unspent energy._

 _Quietly, so I would not disturb the others, I slipped out of my room and made my way to the stairwell that led to the rooftop. Robin did not usually linger there unless I was also with him._

 _I spent a few hours outside. I have always loved the cool taste of the air, salted by the sea breeze. I dove from the tower and allowed myself to fall until I caught onto a large gust of wind and flowed in its direction. I twisted and turned through the air, pushing myself to go faster until everything around me blurred into unfamiliar shapes._

 _My communicator beeped loudly from my waist and I stopped immediately, hovering in the clouds while I flipped my device open._

 _"Raven?"_

 _"Starfire, where are you?" she asked impatiently, raising a hand to quiet someone beside her._

 _"I went out for a morning flight. Why?"_

 _She sighed and shook her head, "Robin got worried when you didn't join him on the roof this morning. And you weren't at breakfast, and your communicator indicated you were in the middle of the Pacific Ocean."_

 _I blushed, averting my gaze, "I may have flown farther than I intended. Please do not worry, I will return shortly."_

 _"You know," Raven said quickly, before I could hang up on the call, "Things will never be the same between you two, but you should probably talk to him. Avoiding an issue doesn't make it go away. He's starting to feel like he's losing you."_

 _"You cannot lose what you never had," I said, smiling sadly, "I will see you soon."_

 _I did not rush back to the Tower. An ugly feeling had settled in the pit of my stomach at the prospect of seeing Robin, who would undoubtedly be frustrated and concerned for my well-being. Raven did the lessening of the situation when she explained it to me - she would only ever call to check on me if something serious motivated her._

 _I let myself drop lower, nearer to the surface of the water, and dipped my hands in, enjoying the cool after-splash that followed. I spied a trio of dolphins surfacing in the distance, their glistening fins cutting through the rippling sea before they burst through the blue._

 _I sighed, envious of their freedom. To be with the one you wanted, free to go as you pleased, unburdened by who you might hurt, or who you already have._

 _I knew I could not delay the inevitable for much longer._

 _I landed on the rooftop of the tower almost thirty minutes later and hurried to the common room, biting my lip as the doors slid open._

 _Raven and Robin were in a deep, seemingly heated conversation at the breakfast table, while Beast Boy and Cyborg were cooking something at the stove, their backs turned to me._

 _I plastered on a cheerful smile and threw my hands into the air._

 _"Good morning friends!"_

 _Robin's head snapped up at the sound of my voice, his expression alarmingly blank._

 _"Good morning to you too, lil' lady," Cyborg said with a grin, "where have you been?"_

 _"I merely went for a flight. I apologize, I did not mean to travel so far." I said, smiling back, "I hope I did not cause any of you concern"_

 _Robin pushed back his chair and stood up._

 _"Don't worry, Starfire, you didn't."_

 _I dropped to the ground, abandoning all pretenses of happiness as he stalked past me._

 _"I'm not very hungry, Cy. Got work to catch up on," he said loudly._

 _The doors slid shut as soon as he exited the common room, and I felt three pairs of eyes lock on me._

 _I slid into a seat at the kitchen counter and sighed, resting my chin against my fist._

 _"He is angry," I murmured._

 _Cyborg and Beast Boy exchanged a glance._

 _"Well, y'know, Star, you've been kinda weird around him lately," Beast Boy offered, rubbing the back of his neck, "he's probably just worried about you."_

 _"Is everythin' okay between you two?" Cyborg asked, touching my shoulder._

 _I wanted to laugh. Things had never been less okay or more uncertain with Robin and I. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about where things were headed for us. And worse, the guilt I had felt when I kissed Red X was fading, vanishing so quickly it was as if there had only ever been happiness._

 _I did not tell Cyborg this. I promised him things were the O and K, and that I was the same, and we would be as well. I excused myself from breakfast quickly and hurried towards my room. I could hear heavy, angry grunts from the gym when I passed it, and the muffled sound of fists attacking a weighted bag. Robin was undoubtedly in there, forcing his fury out in a way that would protect him. I lingered by the doorway for a moment, recalling all the times when I pulled him away from his training or studied his movements with undisguised admiration._

 _Now it is easy for me to float by, barely sparing a glance as I catch the shadows of his form in the pale lights. This is what it feels like to bury your love so deep it cannot break from your chest. I wonder if this is what Robin feels when he glances at me, in all the moments he thinks I have not noticed his attention._

 _Upon returning to my room, I collapsed on my bed. Without thinking, I withdrew my phone from my pocket, scrolling to find the number I had been texting so often as of late._

 _I called him impulsively. I did not expect him to answer. Nor did I expect him to sound so...happy._

 _"Hello?"_

 _"Oh…Red X?" I confirmed, taken aback by how normal he sounded._

 _"The one and only, cutie."_

 _"Your voice is different."_

 _"I don't live in the suit," He replied, "why are you calling?"_

 _I swallowed nervously, twirling a lock of hair around my finger._

 _"I would like to see you tonight."_

 _He paused. My heart pounded in my chest._

 _"I thought you couldn't sneak out at night."_

 _"It will be difficult, but I believe I can make it work. If it is convenient for you," I added quickly, biting my lip._

 _"Not a problem. The same place tonight then, whenever your patrol gets done. Wear something comfortable."_

 _"Very well. I shall see you then."_

 _"Sounds good."_

 _"X?" I said softly, placing my palm over my left breast. I could feel the beating beneath my hand, hard and loud. This is what he does to me. This is what he makes me feel, "thank you."_

 _I ended the call and set my phone aside, burying my face into my pillow._

 _I felt relieved. And hopeful. Yet the thudding did not cease._

 _X'hal, what was I doing to myself? It was not fair to me or Robin or Red X. I could not continue to pine for one boy while tempting the other. It was not right._

 _The pit in my stomach grew heavier._

[part iv]


	5. part v

Hey y'all -

Welcome back to _river_! We're really in, like, the final stretch of everything, and I'm so excited to finish sharing this story here. This chapter features minor dialogue/scene edits, but nothing overwhelmingly major. There is one more chapter left in this story, but additional drabbles/oneshots that fall within the _river_ universe are in existence and are clogging up my drive. If that's something you guys are interested in reading, please let me know! After _river_ , I have a potential sequel that's been formulating for a while - also something I'm willing to share if there's an audience for it.

I've already PMed a bunch of you, but I want to thank **Miss Geek** and various **Guest** reviewers for their support and kind words regarding this story! Literally nothing brings me joy quite like a good review.

Okay, schpiel over, comments and criticisms are always appreciated.

Enjoy -

zrc

[part v]

She looked gorgeous bathed in moonlight.

Is that cheesy? It sounds cheesy. But it was honestly the only thing I could think when I arrived at the cove.

Starfire was already there, sitting near the shore, a purple drawstring bag beside her. She hugged her knees to her chest, drawing lines in the sand while she waited.

She _waited_. Somehow, that felt like everything.

I turned off my bike, kicked down the stand, and made my way over to where she was seated.

"Hey," I said, offering her my hand, "pretty dress."

It was. Who knew Starfire would look so good in blue? Not to mention all the skin I had never seen before. Her legs, her arms, her neck - completely bare, save for the studded band she wore around her bicep.

"I thank you. Your attire is nice as well."

Weird, I'd never heard her say something so monotonously.

"You don't think the mask looks goofy without the rest of the suit?" I gestured to my button-down, expecting a smile in return.

Starfire pressed her lips together and glanced at my bike.

She sighed, "we are going somewhere?"

"Is that a problem?"

Translation: did I do something wrong?

She smoothed out the pale blue hem of her skirt and shook her head, "I was unaware of the location change. My outfit may not be considered appropriate for -"

"There's nobody you need to impress tonight, cutie. I promise. You look amazing."

She smiled then, briefly, before returning her gaze to the sand, tracing squiggly shapes quietly.

"Everything alright?" I asked, joining her on the ground.

She sighed again.

"No. But I do not wish to spoil this evening by burdening you with the things that concern me."

"Starfire- "

"Red X," she cut in, lifting her face, "you do not need to pretend to care. I am content with this 'date' commencing as planned. We will eat and talk and go our separate ways and...and let things remain the same."

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. What? Where was this coming from?

"Okay. Fine."

"I thank you."

"We don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to. I'm sorry I sprung it on you without warning."

Starfire shook her head.

"That is not what this is about."

"Wanna tell me what it is then?" I snapped, "Because I have no idea what's changed since that last time we talked. Did you come to your senses? Did you realize I'm not what you thought you wanted?"

My stomach dropped when she didn't say anything.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. I hated everything.

"That answers that, I guess," I muttered, "I'll see you around -"

She grabbed my arm before I could leave, holding me in place.

"It is not about you," Starfire hissed, her eyes flaring, "it has never been about you. I tell you time and time again that I do not care about what you think. I see the good in you. And _X'hal_ , Red X, despite your tantrums and the obvious obstacles between us, I like you more than I care to admit -"

 _Yes_.

"But it has been an awful day, and I cannot bear to put up with your meaningless flirtations while I remain conflicted over my feelings."

"Meaningless?" I echoed, prying her fingers off of my sleeve, "You think I showed up here, risking everything, for something that was meaningless?"

"I only meant -"

"I kissed you, Starfire. What did you think that was? A joke?"

God fucking damn everything.

I stood up to brush sand off the back of my pants, "I'm calling it a night. I've got stuff to do and I don't want to waste your time with my 'meaningless flirtations'."

Starfire pushed herself off the ground and yanked me back.

"Why is it that Earth boys cannot stop running? Listen to me, for one moment you stupid _clorbag,_ " she growled.

I'm sure I don't have to describe how hot that was.

But like, it was hot.

"I apologize if I offended you, but I have already said that I like you, and if you are still unsure of where I stand, I will clarify that I have feelings for you, so perhaps instead of tending to your wounded pride, you will do the shutting up and prove that your words are not empty"

And if that wasn't enough, she pushed her fingers under the bottom of my mask and lifted it to the bridge of my nose, closing the distance between us.

I did what any sane guy would do.

I kissed her back with everything I had. Her hands gripped the collar of my shirt, keeping me impossibly close while I held her hips against mine.

Despite the frustration that was there, she kissed me slowly, teasingly, pulling away to brush her mouth on mine gently before capturing my lips again. I ran my tongue along her lower lip, breaking the kiss when she giggled.

Ah, there she is. Beneath the angry-eyes and snarly-face, I could still feel the warmth of her touch.

"Is this okay?" I asked quietly, resting my forehead against hers.

She breathed slowly and nodded, loosening her grip on my shirt. "It is more than okay. I am sorry I doubted your feelings for me. I did not mean to hurt you."

"It's fine. I was acting like an asshole anyway."

Starfire frowned and dropped her hands, "correct, but I should not have assumed the worst. I had an unpleasant day, and I took my feelings out against you unfairly."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked, letting go of her waist.

"It is alright, I know you had something planned for us tonight, I do not wish to ruin it."

"Starfire," I said seriously, taking her hand, "what's wrong?"

I sat and tugged her down beside me, leaning back on my palms.

"Go on," I probed.

She shifted uncomfortably and ran a hand through her hair, gazing out into the bay.

"I am confused about my feelings," Starfire confessed, "because I am still in love with Robin."

"Okay." That wasn't much of a surprise.

"But I have thoughts about you. And it feels as if I am betraying him by pursuing those thoughts. We have already drifted so much, and I fear that this will only distance us further."

"Is that all you fear?" I asked, "or are you worried that being with me will ruin your relationship with him forever?"

Starfire's eyes widened.

"I do not mean - _x'hal_ , I am not waiting for him to come back to me, X, I swear I am not using you to -"

"Hey, shhhh, calm down," I touched her arm gently, "that's not what I'm trying to say. I just think some part of you knows that any kind of relationship with me will threaten your relationship with him. And for that matter, the rest of your team. I mean, where do they think you are right now? Another late flight?"

Starfire turned pink and looked away.

"I informed Raven we were going on a date," she said shyly, "but Cyborg and Beast Boy think I am trying to avoid Robin."

Wait, _what_?

"I'm not gonna get cursed for taking you out, right?" I asked, inciting a giggle from her.

"Raven does not usually do curses, but there are not many boys I have gone out with, so I suppose we will have to wait and see," she replied, smiling.

"Reassuring, cutie," I said, shaking my head, "so, you're confused about who you like. Or what you feel. That's why you're in a mood?"

"No," she said miserably, propping herself up on her elbows and straightening her legs, "Robin and I had an argument."

Ahhh.

"I'm sorry," I said awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck.

"It is my own fault. I have been distant for a while now. Today…it was simply the breaking of something bigger."

"You can talk about it if you want. I don't mind."

Starfire tilted her head.

"Would that not be inappropriate? As I am on a date with you?"

I shrugged, "no point in following through with the stuff I planned if you aren't in the mood. I brought food and blankets on my bike; let's lay it out here and have a picnic."

A smile spread across her lips slowly. "I did not know you could do spontaneity."

"Hard to be in my line of work without a backup plan. And for the record, cutie, you don't know much about me at all."

She tucked her hair behind her ears and cleared her throat.

"I am hoping with can change that."

I pushed myself off the ground and walked over to the X-Cycle.

"We'll see."

Dinner still felt fairly warm. Definitely hot enough to eat. I unpacked the food carrier, grabbed a blanket and a couple of the battery-operated candles, and the bag with my suit in it.

"You came prepared," she commented, floating for a moment as I spread the blanket beneath her.

"Always am. Here, start turning these on. There's a switch at the - yeah, perfect. Put them wherever you want. I brought fizzy cider too. I wasn't sure what you preferred to drink, but I've never seen anyone say no to cider from - " don't say the restaurant name, you idiot, "ah, anywhere."

"That is very sweet of you. For the record, my favorite drink is mustard."

 _Ewwww_. I shuddered.

"Like the condiment?"

Starfire laughed, clasping her hands together, "it is tangy and smooth and reminds me of the traditional _faglaga_ juice from my home planet."

"Right. Sure. I'll take your word for it."

Her eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Perhaps you will try it with me one day? Or we can share your favorite drink?"

"Could be fun, if I ever make it past the taste of mustard in my mouth."

She shoved me gently - or what I assume was meant to be gently - into the sand.

"Ow!"

"Oops," she said airily, covering her mouth to conceal her smile, "it is my bad. May we now eat?"

"Way to change the subject, cutie."

"It is a skill I have attained mastery of."

I gestured at the to-go boxes that sat on the blanket.

"Hope you like Italian."

She did. Enthusiastically, though I'm not sure if that was genuine or just Starfire being Starfire.

We talked about everything and anything, inching closer and closer together until she was pressed up beside me. Her head resting on my shoulder, our elbows entwined, hands locked together against her bare thigh. She radiated warmth, like a miniature version of the sun. Her eyes glittered brightly and the distance between us thinned as she asked me question after question. I told her about the cities I'd been to, the sights I'd seen, and the music I listened to. She talked about growing up a princess (go figure, right? Of course she'd be a literal fucking royal), her adjustments to life on Earth, and her hobbies, none of which were very surprising to me. I didn't push her for many questions about her time as a Titan. I don't know if that's because I thought it would make her uncomfortable, or because I didn't want to hear it, knowing that in all honesty, I would be a liar if I said I didn't want that life.

Starfire, to her credit, didn't push back either. But every now and then, she'd get this sad, faraway look on her face.

And me being the dumbass I am, opened my mouth to ask her about it.

* * *

 _"So what'd he do?"_

 _I lifted my head from X's shoulder._

 _"Hmm?"_

 _He nudged me gently, placing a hand on the curve of my waist and running his fingers along the soft blue fabric of my dress._

 _"Boy Blunder. Whatever he did, it's bothering you. So talk to me."_

 _I stared at him curiously._

"Why do you wish to know so badly?"

 _X shrugged and turned his gaze to the breaking waves that lapped against the shore. Stars glittered on the horizon, the bright shine of Vega casting a glow through the patch of clouds above us._

 _"I wanted to make this night good for you," he said finally, "because it's the one real chance I'll get to be in between what I am and what you want me to be. I'm not a thief and you're not a Titan. We're just two people. And as long as you're keeping this…thing to yourself, you're going to be all sigh-y. Which would ruin your memory of this moment."_

 _X tilted his head and dragged his hand up my side to touch my chin._

 _"We can't have that, can we?"_

 _I blushed and looked down._

 _"C'mon, beautiful."_

 _His fingers intertwined with mine and I automatically moved closer to him, snuggling against his form. His touch soothed me. I had never expected it to feel like anything other than electricity, but there was a sense of peace that warmed me when he touched me like this._

 _I did not mean to make the comparison in my head, but at the time, I almost felt like I did when I was with Robin._

 _"Did you know that Robin and I have never been an item?" I asked, gazing up at the sky, "I am sure you did not. Most of the city believes we were or are together. Most of the Titans do as well."_

 _X waited patiently, lacking the usual quips he readily delivered so often. I pushed on._

 _"What you all do not know is that when the Titans were in Tokyo, Robin told me that…that a hero is all that he is capable of being. And emotionally, there are no openings for attachments beyond friendship."_

 _If I sounded bitter, it was unintentional._

 _"We have not been the same since. It has been a challenging year. We do not talk or spend time together in the same way we used to. And as of late, with my usual distance from him and the sneaking off I have conducted, it seems his patience is broken."_

 _X pressed a hand to my back, stroking it comfortingly as I pressed my lips together, voice wavering._

 _"We had an argument today," I whispered, "I do not even recall why it began or who initiated it, but he was so angry. I have never ever seen Robin so furious or hurt. And the things we said…_ X'hal _, it was terrible."_

 _"I'm sorry, Starfire," he said quietly._

" _Nothing he said was untrue. I wish he had spat lies in my face, but X, he was right. I have been selfish and cold with him lately. I have furthered the space between us. I am killing our relationship slowly," I said miserably._

 _He drew his hand higher along the column of my spine, pausing at the base of my neck to bury his fingers in my hair._

 _"My mom had hair like yours,_ y'know _."_

 _I froze, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye._

 _"It was long. And thick. She always kept it tied back when she was working, but my dad loved it when she wore it open for him."_

 _"X…"_

 _"My parents were the worst couple ever. They loved each other enough to share a house and a kid, but that's about it. Dad used to fuck side-girls whenever he could. He got wasted every other weekend. Then Mom got sick and called it quits. She kicked him out and bullshitted a thousand lies so she could spare him the pain of watching her go through treatment. And so that she wouldn't have to struggle through their broken marriage while she recovered."_

 _He turned his head and looked at me, dragging his hand to my jaw to hold my gaze to his._

 _"It's crazy, the things people do to protect themselves and the ones they love. My mom had to break my dad's heart to save him and herself. Not so different from what you're doing with Bird Boy."_

 _I stared at him openly, tears filling my eyes._

 _Red X leaned in, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip._

 _"Beautiful," he said simply, removing his hands and lying back on the ground, crossing his arms beneath his head, "I'm sorry if I said too much, you wanted honesty so I figured - oomph!"_

 _I tackled him, bracketing his hips with my knees as I caged his body with mine. I gripped the edge of his mask and rolled it up to his nose, pressing my lips to his cheek gently before cupping his face and bending down to kiss him deeply._

 _He brought his arms to my waist, the thin fabric of my dress barely protecting my skin from his searing touch._

 _Everything felt too warm_ , _as if the fire inside me had swelled to the surface of my body. He tasted like the cake we shared, smooth and buttery. Chocolate lingered on his tongue._

 _I shifted my hips, blushing when the movement resulted in a low groan escaping his lips. With wide eyes, I did it again, smiling when he panted._

 _"Cutie, I don't think you know what you're doing- " he choked out, digging his fingers into my hips to steady me._

 _"I am learning," I purred._

 _He closed his hands around my wrists and sat up, attaching his mouth to the hollow of my throat._

 _"You usually keep your neck covered, right?"_

 _I nodded._

 _"Good."_

 _I gasped when I felt him bite me, running his tongue over the mark to soothe the sting of his teeth._

 _X pulled away, gauging my response._

 _"Ah…too much?" He asked sheepishly._

 _The spot on my neck was still pulsing. Heat coiled in my stomach._

 _This was all so new._

 _"Not at all."_

 _He licked his lips and descended again, tickling my skin with his nose while his mouth explored me._

 _I snaked a hand between us to grip the collar of his shirt, dragging my fingers lower to undo the first button. Then the second._

 _I brushed my hand against his chest, marveling at the feel of it. He was smooth and soft, save for a few patches of puckered scars._

 _He flinched when I pressed my palm to his heart._

 _But I could not focus on the way he froze for the moment or the fact that his kisses had become greedier, dipping closer and closer to the neckline of my dress._

 _I was not thinking about the way he squeezed me closer, or the panic in his eyes when he finally pulled away to stare at the placement of my hand beneath the fabric of his shirt._

 _Because as soon as I touched him, I felt his heart beat faster. It quickened under my fingertips. It reminded me of the way I felt when I was around Robin._

 _And I realized at that moment, whatever doubts I still possessed for X had vanished._

 _"What is it?" He snapped, clearly discomforted by my scrutiny._

 _"You mean what you said," I said softly, meeting the eyes of his mask._

 _X pursed his lips._

 _"Yeah, we discussed this already, Starfire," he said impatiently, "what about it?"_

 _I shook my head._

 _"No, X, I can feel your heart. You truly mean what you said. You care for me."_

 _He flushed._

 _"We all have soft spots."_

 _"Not in this manner. Do you realize what this means?"_

 _"It means I like you, cutie."_

 _"It means we have both developed the true feelings. How am I to treat you in battle? How are we to partake in a…relationship?" I closed my eyes and sighed, "I fear there is no going back."_

 _"Who said I wanted to go back?" He challenged, closing his palm over mine, "why is it all or nothing for you? Why can't we work in-between?"_

 _"Do you really believe we could be happy and successful in that place? To hide and lie and run around in the shadows?"_

 _His grin thrilled me._

 _"Seems to me you haven't minded sneaking with me these last few days. It's not forever. It's just until we figure out what we want. Does that sound so bad?"_

 _"You would be the boyfriend to me," I mumbled, "I could never oppose such an idea."_

 _"Boyfriend, huh? I was just thinkin' friends with benefits -_ oof _!" His cheekiness dissolved into laughter as he crashed into the sand._

 _I waved my fist threateningly._

"Clorbag."

 _"Kinda your_ clorbag, _though."_

 _His hand shot out and gripped my waist, tugging me on top of him._

 _"Since you copped a feel, do I get to as well?"_

 _"I do not find your humor amusing in the slightest," I said haughtily, rolling my eyes, "it would be wise to resume kissing me or risk further injury."_

 _I am pleased to say I did not think of Robin once X covered my mouth with his. In fact, lying in his embrace on that vacant stretch of beach, I found myself filled with unbridled joy, the likes of which I hadn't truly felt in a long, long time._

 _There was something comforting in his promise of an 'us'. Knowing that although there would be challenges, he was willing to try. I did not know if our actions were the right ones, nor did I expect anything to come of what was unfolding between us._

 _Later, Raven would express her anger with me for vanishing after my fight with Robin. Her gaze would fall on the marks along my neck and the candles around her room would flare white-hot. Beast Boy and Cyborg would share their concerns, curious about where I had been. And after I escaped to my room, Robin would knock on the door and apologize for his words, disappointed with himself and with me. And I would forgive him because I would still be warm from the evening I had spent out. My heart would quicken, and I would be confused because I would not know which boy was causing the stirrings in my chest._

 _But that is later._

 _For the moment, for_ this _moment, the lies and deception have been worth it._

 _When we finally parted, I remained curled in his embrace, gazing up at the sky in all its wonder._

 _We made small talk. I did not mention his mother or father or the fact that he had opened up to me so easily. He kept his mask folded at his nose, unwilling to push it higher, but not wanting to seal his lips for the evening._

 _A loud buzz from his pocket reminded me of the outside world and the threat of what we were doing._

 _He cursed and glanced at the screen of his phone, reluctantly wiggling out from under me to write something._

 _"I've got a drop-off," he said quietly._

 _I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest._

 _"You are leaving?"_

 _"In this case, I don't have much of a choice."_

 _I wanted nothing more than to remind him that was untrue. That he did have a choice, that what he was doing was wrong, and he was worth more than this._

 _But there was a determination in the corners of his smile. Finality in his grip._

 _So I let him go._

 _He promised me he would be safe and that it was an essential trade. He even told me he would be protecting the city by making this deal._

 _I helped him clean up the mechanical candles and blanket, packing them away in his bike while he retrieved his suit. He awkwardly asked me to turn around while he changed into it. I obliged him, only sneaking a peek when I was unable to resist the sight of him shirtless. And of course, he caught me, and requested a show of his own. I was not particularly amused by this._

 _X hooked a leg over his bike and looked at me, holding out a hand._

 _I took it, allowing him to tug me over to his side._

 _"I'm sorry, cutie. You know I have to do this."_

 _"Be well," I whispered, gripping the front of his suit and leaning in to kiss him gently._

 _He pulled me against his body, curling his arm around my waist._

 _"Again. Soon." He breathed, lifting my hand to his mouth. His phone buzzed insistently, halting him as he kissed my fingertips._

 _I placed my hands on the sides of his head and pulled his mask down, snapping it beneath his jaw._

 _"Good luck."_

 _He nodded and kicked away the stand that kept his bike upright, revving his engine and taking off into the night._

 _I did not return to the tower immediately. Instead, I slipped off my shoes and raised the hem of my skirt to my thighs, wading slowly into the cool tides. The glow of the moon lit the waves as they lapped against the shore. The sand felt silky beneath my bare feet._

 _It felt ethereal. I did not feel quite as lost or confused as I had in the days before. I could not bring myself to be afraid. Not yet._

 _Not while I still tasted X on my tongue and felt his arms around my body. Not while the memory of his honesty was still fresh in my mind. Not while I could still feel his heart pulsing against my palm._

 _I flexed my hand and brought it to my chest, closing my eyes as I felt the even thudding beneath my skin._

 _I felt found._

[part v]


	6. epilogue

Hi all!

Sorry about the delay in updating, I was traveling this past weekend and wasn't sure when I'd be able to post. But here it is! the final chapter/epilogue of _river_. Thank you so much for your reviews, kind words, and expressed interest in this story and the subsequent sequel, which is DEFINITELY happening :) I'm thrilled to announce the _river_ universe will be continuing in the next few weeks. I'm hoping to start uploading within the next two weeks, although it all depends on how far I get in the actual writing process. More info is to come. If you're interested in hearing more about the sequel (sneak peeks, updates, etc), stop by my tumblr (bluerene dot tumblr dot com) and feel free to hit me up with any questions or thoughts you have regarding the series.

As usual, comments & critiques are adored/treasured/desired/admired/LOVED.

enjoy,

zrc

[epilogue]

Starfire's been seeing Red X. For at least three months, but probably longer; I'd bet closer to five or six. She doesn't suspect that I know the truth.

In her defense, I haven't said anything. There was no confrontation, no blowout fight. Our relationship's been on a web lately, too delicate to ruin with an argument regarding something that's not my business.

At the time, I thought it was best to compartmentalize. Bury the memories and stray thoughts, lock them away in my head until I was ready to deal with them. We had lives to save and responsibilities to fulfill. In the weeks after I saw them together, Jump was hit with a series of artificial electrical storms that set fires across the city and led us underground, pursuing a crime syndicate that had amassed the power to destroy half of the West Coast. We came away with the barest of victories. Raven went temporarily blind. Cyborg still experiences memory encoding issues. The organization's machines were destroyed and we were able to arrest some of their more valuable operatives, but it wasn't enough. So we keep searching, waiting for them to make a move.

I've never felt more weighed down in my life. It's fucking pathetic really. In the aftermath of everything, all I can think about is how I'm failing as a leader. How I'm failing as a friend. And worst of all, how I don't know what to do about it.

I saw them together back when we were still bridging the gap in our friendship. The space between when I broke her heart in Tokyo and when she broke mine here. On an ordinary Tuesday after the first patrol of the evening, Star said she wasn't feeling well so she shut herself up in her room for the night.

Things were different between us. Better than they'd been in a long time, but different. She stopped freezing me out. I stopped pushing her boundaries. We were comfortable enough to the point where she would sit next to me at lunch and engage in conversation. She took me up on my offers to work out or research together. On movie nights, if she fell asleep against me, she'd let me carry her to her room. Sometimes it felt like we were barely on the line between what we were and what we wanted to be. Force of habit, I guess.

I was worried. Maybe a little suspicious. She'd been getting 'sick' pretty frequently for the last few weeks and it didn't sit very well with me. I grabbed my laptop and a bottle of mustard from the fridge, ready to offer her some company until she fell asleep.

But she wasn't in her room. Her window was open the slightest bit and she'd ditched her communicator on the bed.

It wasn't the first time she'd disappeared, but her tendency to vanish at odd hours had become more and more apparent as of late. Cyborg had held off on confronting her at my request - I had assumed she needed space and time to work things out for herself. If it meant our relationship would improve, I would rather turn a blind eye and let her keep her secrets. I wanted to trust her, and I did.

Just...not enough.

This time, I clipped her communicator to my belt and let Raven know that I'd be back in a few hours. She seemed paler than usual when I spoke with her. Probably because she knew that I had reached my limit and Starfire had run out of time. I wasn't really expecting to find her. I just hoped that somehow, something would lead me there.

It took me an hour to clear through the park, beach, boardwalk, judicial district, and central Jump. I wound up on the other side of the city, drawn to the bustle of nighttime movie-goers and partiers outside the strip of entertainment venues. I stayed in the shadows of alleyways, careful to avoid unwanted attention. And that's where, on the rooftop of the cinema, her feet dangling over the edge as she observed the couples going to and from the site, I found her.

She was alone for a few moments, and then she wasn't. She turned her head and beamed, waving at the figure that had suddenly appeared behind her. He sat down on the ledge, peering over it for a moment. She said something and touched his shoulder, shaking her head when he gestured at the people passing below.

I couldn't move at first. I'm glad I didn't because my first instinct was to get up there and murder that _smug_ asshole.

Then came the rationalizations. It could be that he had just shown up and she was fine with his company because he hadn't caused trouble in months. Or, and this was more likely, they were friends. Totally plausible. It was absolutely something Starfire would do.

She threw her head back and laughed, smiling at him in a way I knew far too well. I watched her scoot closer to him, raising her hands to his face to lift the bottom of his mask.

I held my breath, eyes wide, heart racing when she closed her eyes and leaned in.

And she was kissing him. Starfire was kissing Red X. Or Red X was kissing her. His arms curled around her shoulders, pulling her to his chest. I could see the smile that teased the corner of her lips, her eyes fluttering open dreamily when they broke apart. She brushed her fingers against his lips and touched his cheek. I saw her mouth something to him that I'd never seen her say before.

My anger dissolved instantaneously.

I was shocked. Hurt. Confused. Grieving. My brain shut down. My chest felt too tight. I went back to the Tower and headed straight to bed. It wasn't real.

It couldn't be.

She didn't show up for breakfast that morning. I stopped by her room and she still wasn't there. She must've slept over. Raven gave me a look that said it all.

I buried myself in work. I caught up on documenting some old cases and started a few new reports. There were some strange weather readings that had been recorded and published online over the last few weeks that caught my attention. News of some stolen tech from labs in Star City, Jump, and Santa Marta. High amounts of electricity being utilized in odd places around the Midwest. A thin trail of information, but enough for me to focus on while I pushed aside my feelings from the night before.

Starfire drifted into the living room around dinnertime that evening, feigning tiredness. I could see the happiness in her eyes. She sat between me and Beast Boy, chatting normally as if she hadn't been out for the past day with someone else.

It was too much.

"- marvelous dream, I was reminded of the time when we all went to the movies and saw the flick of chicks -"

She was lying to my face.

"- enjoy the romance genre, Robin? You and Beast Boy and Cyborg did not seem to mind when we saw _Love, Simon_ although you expressed your lack of interest before -"

Couldn't she tell this was the last thing I wanted to talk about?

"Robin?" Starfire asked, touched my arm gently, concern evident in her expression.

I slid my chair away from her as if I had been burned, pressing my lips together.

"Sorry. I...there's something I should work on."

I stood up and stalked off towards the hallway, glancing for a moment to catch the hurt look in her eyes. Looking back, I should've said something then.

But I did what I usually do.

I walked away from her.

I wasn't surprised to find Raven on the rooftop, waiting for me. She had a strange look on her face, somewhere in the realm of sympathy and pity and frustration.

"You knew," I said quietly. It wasn't a question.

"I did," she confirmed, "I'm sorry, Robin."

"You should be," I snapped, running a hand through my hair, "if you'd told me I could've done something. I wouldn't have wasted so much time fighting with her. I wouldn't have shut her out. Maybe then, she and I…things would be different."

"Maybe so," Raven said, tilting her head, "but it wasn't my job to tell you. Whenever she was ready, she would've come out with the truth."

"And until then? How long would you expect me to pretend I didn't know where she went every night?"

"As long as she kept it secret. This isn't about you anymore, Robin. Look," she sighed heavily, stepping forward to touch my shoulder, "I know Tokyo ruined things for you guys. I know that Starfire struggled through it, and even though your actions said otherwise, you had a hard time working through things too. But she's happy. Really happy."

I jerked my arm away from her and moved closer to the edge of the tower, staring at the fading light on the horizon.

"I don't know how serious she is about Red X. I don't know if they have a future. What I do know is that part of her heart belongs to you, and it probably will forever. So instead of beating yourself up over what might have been, fight for what already exists."

"If she's with him it doesn't really matter. It's too late."

Her eyes narrowed, the corner of her mouth turning down in disgust.

"Has anything even changed for you? Are you honestly ready to open up and be in a relationship with her? Because if you aren't, if this is just…possessiveness, you need to get over it. Torturing yourself accomplishes nothing. You both deserve better than a realized love born out of jealousy."

"You're one to talk," I bit back, "don't pretend you aren't all over Beast Boy when we go out and he gets swarmed by fangirls."

"We aren't here to talk about me, idiot," she replied irritably, the pink stain on her cheeks betraying her demeanor, "I've made my case. Do what you will."

She waved a hand, conjuring up a black portal behind her.

"You should know, Robin," she said softly, wrapping herself up in her cloak, "Starfire hasn't forgotten her feelings for you. I doubt she ever will. That should mean something."

The swirling disk of energy vanished once she stepped through, leaving me alone with her words ringing in my ears.

Raven was right. I missed my chance. Starfire was moving on, just as she should.

I stood there until long after the sun had set and the night sky glittered with stars. I thought about every mistake I ever made, every moment I let pass when I should've done something.

I thought about her, and the smile she had shared with Red X, the one that I thought belonged to me.

I didn't know what I wanted from her, not really. I let my feelings fester for too long and root themselves too deep inside. Starfire was my escape from everything that twisted me up. My fears and anger and issues from the past all faded to nothing when I thought of her. And I could feel that slipping away from me too.

"I can't let you go, Star, not yet," I murmured.

I heard the door creak open. The cool evening air rippled around me as a soft thud came from behind.

"Robin," she said quietly, "it is late."

Her fingers curled around my shoulder gently, beckoning me to face her.

"I'll be down in a minute."

She was silent for a moment, releasing her grip on my cape and dragging her hand down to the exposed skin between my gloves and the hem of my sleeve. I shivered beneath her touch.

"Have I done something to upset you?"

I froze and shook my head quickly.

"Not at all, why'd you ask?"

"You will not look at me," Starfire said sadly, squeezing my arm, "Robin, please."

I sighed and turned my head, warmth flooding my chest as soon as my eyes met hers.

"I'm just tired, Star. It's not you, I promise. I guess…things have been busy. I'm not feeling well. We haven't really spent much time together either, y'know? I'm missing my best friend here."

Yeah, I offered her a lump of excuses and finished it up with a nice dose of guilt. I'm an ass.

She blushed, clearly relieved by my words, though I could see it didn't reach her eyes.

"I-I apologize," she stammered, removing her hand and wrapping her arms around herself, "I have been preoccupied as of late."

I wanted to ask her why she was busy, and who she was with, and what she thought she was doing. I wanted to stand there and tear into her for an answer, in hope that she could explain what I couldn't seem to understand.

But I saw her lip quivering and the way she stared down at her shoes, willing me to change the subject. I knew this wasn't what she had wanted for us.

"It's no big deal," I assured her, "maybe we can go to the park or something this weekend? We haven't had a group picnic in a while."

She lit up instantly, eyes shining with excitement as she clasped her hands together.

"That would be wondrous," she chirped.

I laughed, enjoying her enthusiasm.

"Let's do it then. Go and let the others know, I'll come inside in a sec."

Starfire nodded and floated into the air.

"I shall see you later."

"G'night, Star."

Raven's words still echoed in my ears.

 _Fight for what already exists._

The truth is…I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted either.

Nothing was different, not really. I wasn't any more prepared to take on a relationship now than I was a year ago. She wasn't any less persistent about what she wanted either. I was deluding myself if I thought I could somehow step up and replace Red X.

God, it sounds crazy, doesn't it? How did everything get so fucked?

I wanted Starfire to be mine without wanting to claim her. I wanted her friendship without wanting to be her friend. My priorities were so completely screwed, I couldn't tell the difference between what was true and what was a lie.

She deserved better than my indecisiveness.

But she also deserved better than his deception.

Whatever the outcome was destined to be, I was certain of one thing.

Giving up on Starfire was not an option.

Not now, not ever.

 _this love triangle left us in a wreck, tangled._

 _\- river, eminem ft. ed sheeran_

[end of epilogue]


End file.
